I take Oliver to school, give him a big squeeze and a kiss, and tell him, “Bye, I love you, I’ll see you in two days!”
Eric and I have split custody. On paper, that sounds simple — some clean 50/50 arrangement, a calendar, a handoff. In practice, it’s a lot more woven together than that. We show up to everything, and there is no rule that you can’t because it’s “not your day.” Whether that’s sports, school events, birthday parties, we’ve even done Disney World together. If someone needs to switch a day, or needs help with a pickup or drop-off, we just message each other and figure it out. No lawyers, no negotiating through our child, no scorekeeping.
From the outside, I know how that sounds. Like we nailed it. Like divorce, done right, just looks like this. But it took us a while to get here.
We separated when Oliver was just a baby and were navigating a very difficult and emotional time. If you had asked me then whether I could imagine where we are today, the answer would have been, “Doubtful.”
Our divorce wasn’t one of those extremely messy horror stories you often read about, but it still took time and wasn’t what I would call easy. The one thing that was easy: Eric and I agreed that Oliver was the priority, that we would make all decisions for him together, and he would have equal time with both of us. Our schedule and agreed-upon parenting plan did go through our lawyers and the court to be approved, which I’d recommend because it keeps things clear if there is ever an issue. Six years after we finalized it, the parenting plan hasn’t changed, and I think that’s largely because we let go of any hurt and animosity and focus solely on Oliver.
During the school year, most “handoffs or switches” happen at school pick-up, but we often adjust the schedule to accommodate work, travel, or life things and will pick Oliver up from each other’s houses. School is the halfway point in between, and we purposely only live about 15 minutes from one another.
How do we handle holidays?
Holidays are split evenly as well. Mother’s Day with me, Father’s Day with him, and we alternate Thanksgiving, Easter, New Year’s Eve, etc. Christmas is often the hard one for people. My family has always celebrated Christmas Eve, and Eric’s has always celebrated Christmas Day, so Oliver is always with me on Christmas Eve. To make sure that we can both experience the magic of Christmas morning with him, we do switch off where he sleeps on Christmas Eve night. Every other year he stays at my house, and then Eric picks him up early the next morning after he’s opened presents. The off years for me, Eric picks him up around 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve, and Oliver wakes up Christmas morning at Eric’s house. On those years, Oliver opens presents from family on Christmas Eve, and the gifts Santa left at my house wait until he’s back a few days later, because of course Santa stops at both houses 😉.
We still disagree
Just because we can live mostly in harmony as co-parents doesn’t mean we never disagree. We’re two people with different lives and different perspectives, and sometimes those things rub.
Take screens at restaurants. I’m against them about 95% of the time. I want to engage with my family when we’re out together instead of having Oliver zoned out on his tablet. Eric doesn’t see it as a big deal. It keeps Oliver occupied, and it makes for an easy dinner out. I get that, and I’ve made exceptions for travel or multi-hour dinners with other adults, but only after Oliver has finished his meal. Since he was a toddler, I’ve had him bring a backpack with coloring, workbooks, and small toys and games whenever we go out, so he has something to do while we wait. As Oliver has gotten older, he’d rather join our conversations, which is exactly what I was hoping for.
That’s a small, silly example, but Eric and I have worked through bigger ones the same way, by talking it out and finding a compromise. Still, there are moments when I think he’s being an ass, and I’d venture he thinks the same about me.
I think that’s healthy. Even parents in non-divorced households disagree sometimes. What matters most is how you work through it for the benefit of your child.
Stepparents
As I wrote about Oliver’s stepdad, Tony (NoNo), in my last post, I also need to say that Oliver has a great stepmom. He is so lucky to have four people in his life who love and support him completely, and we all really do happen to get along. Both Tony and Oliver’s stepmom understand that Eric and I make all decisions when it comes to Oliver, and they follow our lead. However, Oliver is well aware that if either of his stepparents says something, it goes, so no one gets pitted against anyone else.
It’s also helped to have the right group chats. Eric and I have our own text thread for discussing things about Oliver, and then the four of us have another where we share pictures or fun updates but can also all weigh in on something when everyone’s input is needed.
Oliver’s big family
One thing that I am really grateful for is that even in moments of disagreement, we all always show up for Oliver. Whether it was every T-ball game when he was three or soccer games and school concerts now, we come as one unit and cheer together. Oliver jokes that he just has a big family because it’s always the whole group. The only time someone misses something is if they happen to be out of town.
Oliver also has a little sister on his dad’s side and an older stepsister. His stepsister lives out of state, so we don’t get to see her as often, but his little sister has only ever known us as one big unit as well. She even calls Tony NoNo and had a sleepover at our house a few months ago because Eric and his wife went out of town. As Oliver’s little sister, she is always welcome in our home.
People are often pleasantly surprised by how well we co-parent, and on our best days, I am too. We’re not perfect at this, and some days we’re better at it than others. But Oliver deserves to have all his people show up and love him. We’re the adults, so all he needs to see is that we’ll keep showing up, together. That we’ll work through schedules and disagreements so he can just enjoy being a kid.
So, I’ll keep giving him the big squeeze and the kiss at the school door, and I’ll keep saying, “Bye, I love you, I’ll see you in two days.”
If you’re co-parenting too, what’s one thing that’s made it easier for you? I’d love to hear in the comments.