“You’re my stepdad, duh.”
Oliver was starting kindergarten, and we asked if he told people about NoNo or how he explained the people in his family. When it came to Tony, he didn’t hesitate, “You’re my stepdad, duh.”
How it started
My son Oliver was still a baby when he met Tony, which probably made it easier to introduce the two of them. If things didn’t work out, Oliver wouldn’t remember, but also, babies are needy, so if Tony hadn’t been ok with the dynamic, we would have realized it early on.
As I mentioned in my last post, Tony and I have no plans to get married, since we’ve both been married before. Because Oliver is adopted, I also told Tony pretty much immediately about my struggles with infertility, so that if having kids of his own was ever in his plan, he’d know I wasn’t the person for that. As much as we enjoyed being together, I never wanted to hold him back or ask him to give up something important to him. Tony had shared that he’d never really seen kids in his future, so the idea of not having any with me wasn’t a concern.
As our relationship progressed and he spent more time with Oliver, that sentiment always surprised me because he was so great with him. As things grew more serious and he was around Oliver constantly, the two of them began forming their own relationship. Whether it was playing P-I-G with Oliver’s toddler basketball hoop, taking the train to our favorite coffee shop, or most recently, since Tony is an absolute cinephile, introducing Oliver to movie classics like E.T. and Rudy, they have a relationship that has nothing to do with me.
Becoming NoNo
When Oliver started talking, he couldn’t say “Tony,” so he lovingly called him “NoNo.” We later realized, hilariously, that nonno means grandfather in Italian. Tony is Italian and older than me, so it’s been a funny joke ever since.
Even now, at eight years old, Oliver still calls him NoNo. We sometimes wonder if that will change as he gets older, but what I’ve always respected about Tony is that he’s never expected Oliver to call him anything other than what feels comfortable and natural to him.
Tony’s parents divorced when he was young, so he brought a perspective to our relationship that I didn’t have, since my parents are still married. His outlook and opinions are the ones I seek out above all else, because I know he’ll be completely open, honest, and compassionate with me, even if he thinks that my approach or stance might be flawed. It’s made me a better mother and woman because I have someone genuinely asking me to dig deeper instead of settling for the easy or faster way.
And this same man who pushes me to be better loves Oliver just as fiercely. Though we are not married, he is Oliver’s stepdad. That was another thing Tony left entirely up to Oliver – how he wanted to describe or introduce him. Oliver chose stepdad.
Tony has this incredible way of showing Oliver that his decisions and feelings matter, even as a child, and that he would never want to dictate their relationship. They have an unbelievable mutual respect for one another. Even when Oliver is being a wild child, he listens to his NoNo, and when Tony is away for work, Oliver misses him intensely and always goes and hangs out with him in his office once he returns so they can have a “chit chat.”
His role
It’s because of Tony’s personal experience that he has never tried to step in as Oliver’s dad. As I’ve written before, my ex, Eric, is a great, committed father, and Tony deeply respects his role as a father-figure without stepping on Eric’s toes.
Not every family is in that position. Often in divorce, especially with young children, a stepparent ends up taking on more of a traditional parental role, maybe because an ex has less custody, lives elsewhere, or for any number of reasons. Because Eric and I share equal custody and have both always been equally present with Oliver, Tony and Eric’s wife have never needed to take on additional parental responsibilities.
That doesn’t mean Tony doesn’t help me or step in when I need it, but he always follows my lead rather than inserting himself where others often feel inclined or obligated to. He’s always told me that he remembers how he felt when a stepparent tried to do that to him growing up, and in almost every case, it backfired.
Tony will tell you he loves the role he has in Oliver’s life because he gets to help co-parent a child and watch him learn and grow and make memories. He’s not trying to fill a void left by an absent parent; rather, he gets to enhance Oliver’s life and expose him to more people who love and support him. Each of Oliver’s parents and stepparents is different, so Oliver gets to learn, see, and experience a variety of different things – something I think, and hope, will serve him well as he grows and meets people with varying interests and perspectives of their own.
Teachable moments
What I also admire is the way Tony questions Oliver, and me, for that matter, and pushes us both to think even more openly and critically. Sometimes when life is busy, and we’re running from one thing to the next, it would be so much easier to just accept “I don’t know” answers and move on. But Tony doesn’t let us off that easily, and it’s made our conversations, our experiences, and our relationships with each other so much richer and stronger.
One recent example: Oliver was talking about how boys are better at something, and it would have been easy to just brush it off — he’s an eight-year-old who thinks girls are gross — of course he’s going to say something like that. Instead of writing it off with the easy “Oh, he’s a kid, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Tony kept asking him why. And of course, Oliver said, “I don’t know.” So, Tony explained that if you’re going to have an opinion or feeling about something, you should know why. It turned into a great conversation about how people can feel differently than you or even disagree (you can even disagree with your own parents), but you need to be able to explain your reasoning instead of just shrugging it off. It’s moments like these that help Oliver understand the importance of critical thinking and the value of thinking for himself, rather than just following the crowd.
For life
Just as Tony’s calm and patient approach is the counter to my fire, the way he talks to, listens to, and treats Oliver is something to behold. Tony shows up quietly and without fanfare and has always approached Oliver with a thoughtfulness and intention often reserved for adults or older children. Oliver doesn’t realize it yet, but not everyone has a person in their life who wholly and completely doesn’t judge or make snap decisions, but listens and tries to understand, even when poor choices are made.
That’s the kind of person you don’t just want in your corner as you’re growing up. You want them for life — and I can’t wait to watch their relationship continue to grow with each changing season.
Tell me, do you have someone like this in your life?
Honestly,
Theresa