oliver benjamin
After we arrived at the appointment to meet the birth mom, everything unfolded in a way that exceeded my wildest dreams. Out of respect for her privacy, I’ll simply refer to her as “S.” After being examined by the doctor, the doctor said things were at a point where they wanted S to head across the way to the hospital and check herself in to labor and delivery to be induced.
Woah, this was really happening.
We walked over with her to get checked in and made sure to ask her if she was comfortable with us hanging out. During the time leading up to the match, the adoption specialist was very clear that many times prospective adoptive parents might be allowed to stay in the waiting room, or they may not be called until after the baby is born – everything is completely up to the birth mom and what she is comfortable with – as it should be.
S said she was totally fine with us staying and we spent the next several hours getting to know her and her us. Her boyfriend and birth father was at work and unable to get away immediately, so she shared details about him as well. To be honest, I would have thought it would possibly be a somewhat uncomfortable interaction, but it was the exact opposite. We hung out as she was induced and talked to her in her room as if we had known her for years. As the day went on, the doctors and nurses all knew that we were in a unique situation and embraced all of us with such care and kindness every minute.
One thing we had told our adoption specialist during our waiting period was that we didn’t necessarily want to find out the sex of the baby because we wanted it to be a surprise if at all possible. They had shared this with the birth parents, and we were astounded that S made sure that none of the hospital staff told us the sex whenever they came into the room to examine her. To see her request something on our behalf was overwhelming.
Towards the late afternoon, the doctor told us that it would likely still be several hours before anything happened, so we asked S if it was ok for us to leave for a bit to grab some things from our hotel since we had left in such a hurry that morning. We asked if when we returned if she was comfortable with us staying in the waiting room until the baby was born and she told us, “Absolutely.”
We hurried back to our hotel, grabbed a bite to eat, and then swung by the store to get a handful of onesies and items we would need immediately. We didn’t know if the baby would come in a few hours or days but wanted to be prepared.
When we made it back to the hospital, we set ourselves up in the waiting room and let the nursing staff know to tell S that we had returned and were available should she need anything. While we were away her boyfriend had arrived and was spending time with her in the room. I’ll refer to him as “C” moving forward. We of course hoped we’d get a chance to meet him as well, but fully expected that we would be out in the waiting room for hours and made ourselves comfortable. Throughout the day our adoption specialist kept checking in with us and separately with S and C to make sure everyone had the support they needed.
After a little while, a nurse came over to us and said that we were invited back to go hang out with S and C as she had just had her epidural and was relaxing. We entered the room once again not knowing what to expect once we got to meet C, and again, we were amazed at how easy it was to chat with him and get to know him more.
During our adoption classes, we learned that often birth parents have a name that they give the child, and while you are in no way obligated to keep that name, many adoptive parents will take that name as the child’s middle name as a way to honor the birth parents. So, while we were back in the room all spending time together, we asked S and C if they had any names picked out for the baby because we would want to do exactly that. Their response was swift and definite, “this is your baby, you get to name them.”
Silence. Tears forming in our eyes. Wow, we were blown away once again by them putting our wants before their own.
At this point it was getting to be late evening, and you’d think perhaps folks would need a break from one another, but they continued to have us stay in the room and spend time with them.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, C said to us, “we talked about it, and if you both want to, you can stay in the room for the birth.”
We were floored. Tearfully and without hesitation we said we would be honored to remain in the room as long as S felt comfortable and that they could kick us out at any time. We wanted to ensure that they continued to know we were taking their lead.
Then around 9:30 p.m., it was go time. Before the baby came both the adoption specialist and nurse spoke with S about her and C’s wishes once the baby was born. Some birth parents want to hold the baby and spend time with them – again, completely up to them and what they prefer. Apparently, S had told them that she was most comfortable with delivering and then having the baby go directly to us. Because of this, the nurse told us where we could stand and that once the baby was born, we would follow her out of the room to another area where the baby would be measured and checked.
After a very quick (by birthing standards) actual pushing time, on Monday, June 4, 2018, at 10:12 p.m., our son Oliver Benjamin was born.
S was amazing. She was strong and brave and delivered like an absolute badass. We were crying and overcome by so much emotion that when the nurse asked us to follow her, it was hard to want to leave S behind. I remember vividly walking out of the room, locking eyes with her, and just saying “thank you.”
The next 30 minutes went by in a flurry, but after measuring and doing initial vitals they put us in a back triage space that was empty while they went through paperwork and who knows what else. They let us give Oliver his first bath and then left us for probably about an hour or so, just the three of us, in this back room soaking it all in.
While we were in that back room after 11 p.m. or so, we got a text from C. We had given both C and S our numbers that day in case they needed anything during that time. This is not something that is required, but it felt natural and was something we were comfortable doing.
I saw the name come through and I’ll be honest, I had an initial moment of panic. Did they maybe decide they didn’t want to go through with the adoption? Was something wrong with S?
What we got instead was C asking us if we wanted any food because he was heading out to grab something for S. We couldn’t believe it. Here we were holding Oliver – the greatest gift of our lives – thanks to their selflessness, and they were still looking out for us. It was truly humbling.
To say that our interaction with Oliver’s birthparents was positive or good would not even come close to doing it justice. They are two of the most remarkable people we have ever met, and we are eternally grateful that they chose us to parent this beautiful boy.
As the time neared midnight, we thought we were likely going to have to leave Oliver at the nursery and head back to our hotel since I wasn’t a patient there. But to our surprise, the incredible staff at UTMB Health in League City, pulled together to turn an ultrasound room into a makeshift patient room with two beds so that we could stay overnight and have Oliver with us the entire time.
I think it was probably around 1 a.m. as I was holding a sleeping Oliver that I noticed it. Suddenly, this weight that I had been carrying for the past four years was no longer there. All of the pain and anger for not being able to get pregnant just disappeared. It was like every minute of that gut-wrenching time was replaced by this moment where I was looking down and staring at my sleeping baby boy, knowing that it might not have been what I planned or expected, but I was finally a mom.
We remained in the hospital for a few days while paperwork was sorted, and the process of S and C relinquishing their parental rights began. Every state has different requirements, but in Texas, 48 hours must pass before birthparents can sign an affidavit for voluntary relinquishment. So, during that time we all remained in the hospital. The afternoon after Oliver’s birth, we asked if S wanted a visitor since C had to return to work and asked if she wanted us to bring the baby along or keep him with a nurse. She told us to bring him and even though we asked her if she wanted to hold him, she declined. I cannot even begin to imagine understanding the range of emotions she must have been feeling, but every step of the way, we wanted to assure her that whatever she was thinking, deciding or feeling, was absolutely ok.
The day we were finally discharged was both exciting and emotionally devastating. We actually ended up driving S home before we returned to our hotel, and as I watched her walk away, I wondered if we’d ever see her again. This incredible woman who just made me a mother and there is no possible way I could ever thank her enough. This quote that I read leading up to that day summarizes that moment perfectly, “The day you’re handed another mother’s child is the day your heart breaks and heals at the exact same time.”
Our entire experience surrounding Oliver’s birth still leaves me in awe even seven years later. I know that not everyone may have an experience like we did, but if there is one thing I hope people reading this take away beyond the beauty, magic and emotion of it all, is that you should abandon any expectations you might have. It’s when you do that that the unexpected really is possible.
Honestly,
Theresa