the fling that wasn't
Since I spent more than half my life with my ex, it was hard to imagine life with someone new. I donât mean dating or sex; Iâm still young enough to understand that part. Iâm talking about actually trusting someone new and being vulnerable enough to let them in.
When I first started dating my now-partner, Tony, I honestly just thought it would be a short-lived fling. I had a child, was separated and living on my own while trying to navigate a not always easy divorce, and had been with my ex since we were kids. Tony didnât have any expectations either and had even been talking about maybe moving to L.A. So, when we kept spending time together and it became clear that this was moving beyond casual territory, it was pretty scary. Now, Iâll acknowledge that I never had to experience the highs and lows of dating apps since Tony and I actually met through work, which I know is rare these days. Had things unfolded differently, the reality is, Iâd probably still be single, focusing solely on being a mom.
I had a lot of baggage. Obviously, single-mom status, but emotionally, I was honestly pretty fucked up. I was trying to truly figure out who I was without my ex for the first time and navigate the complexities of my emotional trauma. While my ex and I had been pretty much living next to each other as friends for a while (Read my post: 17 years later), it was the first time I had ever lived on my own without family or a roommate, with a baby no less. I was working full-time and trying to be the best mom I could be, all while torn between wanting something for myself that made me feel seen, and struggling with the intense feelings I had about my ex and what we lost.
When you date someone from the time youâre a teen and literally grow up with them, everything you understand about love and intimate relationships comes from learning with that one person. Even the way we fought or disagreed was learned only from that relationship. Naturally, that learning spilled over into my relationship with Tony. I am by nature a loud, fiery, stubborn woman (must be the German and Aries in me đ), but Tony is not like that at all. He is the calm to my fire, but a lot of the time I couldnât see past my own hurt and realize he wasnât actually trying to fight me. He wanted to support me and listen. My issue was that I immediately thought, and sometimes still think, that I need to defend myself. What a shit show. Why would he want to put up with that? Even his best friend once asked him why he was dating a woman with a baby and not yet finalized divorce â thatâs A LOT. By most standards, he should have run. But there was always this inexplicable pull. Even now, all these years later, the electricity, the pull, the intensity, whatever you want to call it, hasnât died out.
So, for many months, we had what I guess everyone calls the âhoneymoon phase.â We spent as much time together as possible, and then COVID hit. Since I had Oliver and a bigger apartment, when everything locked down, we grabbed stuff from Tonyâs apartment and we hunkered down together. Living and working side by side, eating all our meals at home, simply being. As we know, many peopleâs relationships didnât make it through COVID, but ours thrived. Outside of Oliver, he was my favorite person. We faced a lot of scary moments, including parentsâ health issues. He stood by me while I finalized my divorce and allowed me to mourn the end of the life I thought I was going to have, and then supported me by showing me he loved that I was ambitious and independent and opinionated. He let me be exactly who I was and even loved me for it. I didnât feel like I had to keep things to myself or change who I was; I could just be wholly myself.
Later in 2020, after my divorce was finalized, I knew I didnât want to live in a temporary apartment situation with Oliver forever, so I decided that I was going to purchase a home. Tony and I had basically been living together for months at that point because of COVID, and I was building a new construction home, which would take six to nine months to complete, so we decided the plan would be to officially move in together once the home was finished.
Tony, the guy who had talked about moving to L.A., knew I couldnât leave Colorado because of Oliver and loved me enough to move to my part of town and build a life together. In many ways, I fell for Tony quickly. How could I not? He was handsome, fun, smart, kind, not judgmental and so much more, but ultimately, it was the little things. The way he would listen to me, not just listen, but really hear me. The way he would hug me or hold me without me asking because he could tell I needed it. The way he indulged my rants and sometimes not-so-nice words when I was frustrated and working through my demons. And of course, the way he fell for Oliver (their relationship will be another post), but fully respected his role in his life and never tried to be his father. It was this constant, slow burn that I love, appreciate, and am deeply, deeply grateful for. It lets me know how intense it was then, and how intense it still is now, as we continue to grow together. Even when life is insane, he's not fighting against me. He's fighting for me.
There are definitely people who probably think I should have dated more, or who only really knew my relationship with my ex and may not understand why or how I ended up with Tony. But the truth is, Tony is my home. He is my steady in the storm, my loudest cheerleader, my fiercest protector, and the only person who knows my deepest demons and doesnât shy away from them, but loves me more because of them. I wonât pretend I donât still have some of those demons or that I donât still have to work on this every day, but knowing I have someone who walks beside me in this life makes even the bad moments more bearable.
Those who know us also know we donât plan to get married. Weâve both been married, so itâs never been a question or problem for us. We know life is complicated, and while we have no intention of not being together in the future, weâre also adults, realistic enough to understand that people change, life happens, and sometimes forever is forever right now. Some may find that unsettling, but to me, itâs freeing and beautiful, because we choose each other every day and actively show up for each other instead of falling idly into complacency and routine. We both want love that is electric and passionate, but also quiet and grounded, so thatâs the way weâre living. Even in between the insane schedules of sports, work, goals, and day-to-day life, we always find each other. And thatâs not something I give a damn if other people see or understand, because the fact that he sees me is all I need.
So, if youâre just beginning to dip your toe back into the dating scene: Be bold, be open and be yourself and nothing less. You never know; there might be someone you never expected, ready to surprise you.
Honestly,
Theresa