unexpected path to motherhood

While I was going through infertility treatments, the subject of adoption rarely came up, but once we were a few months past the final, failed treatment, my ex said we should start looking into it. So slowly I started to take preliminary steps to read and understand what that process would actually entail.

I learned that Colorado is an agency state, so you must work with a licensed agency for pre- and post-placement (which includes a home study, background checks and 16 hours of education), and then an actual placement agency that works with birth parents. Many states can just work with a private attorney, but Colorado only works with licensed entities.

After the initial research to gather information, we waited another six months to really get the process started. While there are so many ways to build a family through adoption, (foster to adopt, international adoption, domestic adoption), we decided we wanted to pursue domestic, infant adoption. By early spring 2017, we submitted our application with the agency for our pre- and post-placement work.

After lots of research, we landed on working with A Love Beyond Borders. Then we had to figure out which agency we wanted to work with for placement. While there are several Colorado-based agencies, the average placement wait times for infant adoption at that time was 18-24 months. While that is an average, it was difficult to accept that we’d potentially have to wait that long to bring a baby home. So, the research continued, and I found American Adoptions. Their headquarters are in Overland Park, Kansas, but because they are a national agency, their average placement times were about 12 months because they are able to work with birth parents from all over the country. Additionally, their staff have been through adoption themselves, so for them it is so much more than a job, it’s personal.

Once those decisions were made, the fun really began. There were so many documents and contracts – background checks, medical exams, insurance approvals, and filling out our Adoption Planning Questionnaire (APQ). While infertility treatments are not for the faint of heart, the adoption process is no doubt riddled with just as much stress, fear, and tears.

And then there is the part that feels icky to talk about. Infertility treatments were no doubt expensive. For adoption, our placement agency told us that domestic, infant adoption can range from $25-50K, on average. I believe there are a lot of misconceptions about what those costs are for, so here is a high-level breakdown.

• Agency fees

• Birth parent expenses, including medical expenses pre and post birth, transportation, housing (these are only if needed)

• Legal fees

• Travel expenses

• Home study fees

Beyond these expenses, one thing that was really important to us was that American Adoptions also provides free, lifelong, licensed counseling to birth parents before, during pregnancy and indefinitely after placement, focusing on grief, trauma, emotional transition and post-adoption support. This is something that I don’t think you can put a number on because this support should be offered, always.

Your budget is ultimately defined in your APQ, which I will get into more in my next post, but once everything was signed, we started our home study with our social worker. This is typically a two-to-three-month process that includes sessions together as well as separate sessions diving into every personal detail you can imagine, from your own upbringing and family life, to how you plan to raise a child, give them consequences, teach them, etc. It also includes a full review of your home to ensure it is safe – this did not mean we needed to have a complete nursery or everything baby-proofed, but rather identifying things like that we needed a fire extinguisher.

We also had to complete CPR training and our 16 hours of education which included reading several books beforehand and then two full days of classroom work. I truly was so grateful for the education because going into the adoption process, I had a lot of fears. Mostly around open adoption. I was adamant that I’d want a closed adoption, but the more I learned, the more I realized my own fears were coming from a place of misinformation. That in fact, what open adoption can look like varies, but in nearly every situation, having an open adoption is always beneficial for the child. When we signed with American Adoptions, we agreed to their minimum requirements for an open adoption which included sending updates and pictures twice per year until the age of six and then once annually on the child’s birthday. Anything additional could be determined once a match was identified.

What I also loved about our classroom time was being in a room with other individuals all pursuing adoption for a variety of reasons. We also spent a lot of time talking through the importance of positive language, and to this day I am hyperaware when someone says, “they gave up their baby.” That is an incredibly negative way to explain the remarkably selfless decision a birth parent makes. By placing their baby for adoption, they’re not giving them away, but rather showing them love by placing them with a family or individual who is eager to parent them.

After the education and home study portion was complete, we were able to begin working on our print, digital, and video profiles. While I’m sure video profiles are very common now, another reason we selected American Adoptions was because they already provided this service back in 2017. Many other placement agencies only had a print profile, but we loved the idea of being able to speak directly to a birth parent and let them see us beyond a still photo. The video also allowed us to have friends and family participate and speak on our behalf. After everything was filmed, American Adoptions took all of the raw footage and put together a beautiful video as part of our profile. We then still wrote all of the letters and details for our print and digital portions.

The entire process for all of the paperwork, home study, trainings, profile creation, etc., took about 6-7 months. I’m sure there are people that can do it more quickly, but we were still juggling work and other life obligations, so we felt grateful we were able to complete it in that timeframe.  

Then by November 2017, our profile went live and was being shared with birth parents that fit our APQ. I remember we were in Texas for a wedding, and we got the call from our adoption specialist telling us everything was live. It felt surreal. Everything we could do and had control over was done. Now we had to wait.

Honestly,

Theresa